Entertaining the intelligentsia…

Another reason not to take you three year old shopping on a Saturday;
as well as making you buy impractical, hideous clothes, she may let out your dark family secrets.
When I was ill this week, I couldn’t move and my head hurt too much to read so I admit, I watched a little too much daytime TV. One of the programmes I stumbled across was *looks from side to side* RichardandJudy, and lo and behold I actually want to read almost every recommendation on their book club list. Unfortunately the urge to read one or two of them got too much for me yesterday and I decided that a 40 minute walk to Waterstones in the sleet, hail, driving rain and biting wind would be the order of the day. (Spring where are you? But that is another post.)
So we stumbled through the doors looking like three harassed, bickering, drowned rats, only to discover that the Cambridge Intelligentsia had torn themselves away from their research papers for a pleasurable, dry, peaceful afternoon browsing the bookshops.
I felt like a teenager trying to buy condoms in the local chemist.
There I was thinking I would be able to surreptitiously grab the books and run (to the checkout of course) pretending that I didn’t even know they were on the RichardandJudy book club list. No one told me however that Waterstones have their own special RichardandJudy bookshelf, with a subtle RichardandJudy life size cardboard cutout alongside. Oh yes.
So amid one or two not so favourable glances from the Intelligentsia I wandered over, trying to sound surprised,
‘Oh look that’s handy! The two books are next to each other on the shelf.’
Then there was a sudden excited rumbling from somewhere half way up my leg.
‘It’s Richard and Judy!’
Vital parent lesson number one; NEVER ignore your children when they are embarrassing you. It can only make things worse.
I chose the neatest copies available and began to move.
‘Mummy, I said. Look it’s Richard and Judy!’
Mr PE suddenly remembered something he urgently needed to purchase from the shop opposite.
‘Is it?’ I mumbled under my breath as Mr PE disappeared out the door.
Vital parent lesson number two; Do not mumble your reply, it is just not going to work.
‘MUMMY LISTEN TO ME! RICHARD AND JUDY ARE ON THE BOOKSHELF!’
I do believe I saw the Intelligentsia snicker; hopefully there was still time to redeem myself.
‘Oh yes. I think maybe you are right.’ I said in my best oh-yes-I-think-I-recognise-them-from-somewhere voice.
Vital parent lesson number three; Do not walk away from embarrassing object. The child will only think they have to shout louder.
‘I AM RIGHT! I SAW THEM ON TV!’
‘Did you indeed?’
By now we were in the checkout queue but we could still see the freakin’ RichardandJudy cut-out. Littleone seemed to think that if she hollered loud enough, RichardandJudy would come to life and offer her a special ‘I heart Richard and Judy’ badge. (Oh! The shame!)
‘YES YOU WERE THERE! REMEMBER!’
‘Was I? Why don’t we keep the noise down a bit? People are trying to read.’
WRONG! Even the Intelligentsia find listening to someone dig a hole for themselves far more interesting than any book on the shelf at Waterstones.
‘YES. DON’T YOU REMEMBER? YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU LOVE RICHARD AND JUDY!’
‘I did NOT say that!’
‘YES YOU DID! I WANTED TO WATCH TIME BANDITS BUT YOU SAID NO BECAUSE YOU WERE WATCHING RICHARD AND JUDY!’
‘No, you see I was sick. I couldn’t reach the video shelf.’ (I can’t believe I said that)
By now we were at the checkout and the assistant was trying not to laugh.
‘I CRIED AND SAID ‘I HATE RICHARD AND JUDY’.’
At this moment I kept quiet and started praying instead.
‘AND YOU SAID ‘BUT I LOVE RICHARD AND JUDY’.’
Transaction complete, we were out of there but first we had to pass the godforsaken cut-out and of course just in case there happened to be anyone (on the uppermost floor of Waterstones perhaps?) that didn’t catch our little conversation. Littleone had to ice that cake, big time.
‘BYE BYE RICHARD AND JUDY.’ she waved at their smug, cardboard smiles.
‘I LOVE YOU AS MUCH AS MUMMY NOW!’
Oh Littleone! I’m sure all those professors are so glad there is a happy ending to your little love story.
So how long do you think I should leave it before I show my face in Waterstones again?